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Suddenly, I see things that remind me of every little thing that makes me feel like incredibly...

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 05:08:34 -0400

Suddenly, I see things that remind me of every little thing that makes me feel like incredibly ultra poopy poop

like GRAHSJHKD RWE I HATE YOU

but then i look at my reblog blog while listening to daft punk and i’m reminded of reasons why i should be very, very happy.

*sighs* ……. *looooong dramatic siiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhh*

like, so many reasons to be happy…… a lot….. i’m still super pissed at her though

but that’s okay. a speck of dust out of my life UuU *swats hand*

a fucking speck

a fucking speck that has ruined the one thing in my life that is guaranteed to make me remotely happy

NOPE, NOPE, WON’T LET IT GET TO ME THOUGYOUASSSSSYOU’REANASSSSSSFORDOINGTHIS

IKNOWYOUWERETRYINGTOHELPBEFOREBUTYOUHELPEDIN

FUCKING

WAY

AT ALL

AND THE FACT THAT I AM REMINDED OF YOU WHEN EVER I SEE SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN RUINED FOR ME BECAUSE OF YOU JUST PISSES ME OFF EVEN MORE. I HARDLY EVER GET ANGRY, I HARDLY EVER SHOW MY ANGER AND FRUSTRATION, BUT I HAVE TO SAY THIS EVEN THOUGH IT HAPPENED ALMOST A MONTH AGO

I WANT THE PUBLIC TO KNOW THAT I AM ANGRY AND I WANT THEM TO KNOW WHY I AM ANGRY. I SPECIFICALLY WANT THIS BECAUSE THE ONE PERSON WHO I WANT TO UNDERSTAND MY ANGER THE MOST IS UNDER THE MOST FRUSTRATING “SHE IS MY CLOSEST FRIEND” BIAS SO WHEN I TOLD HER ABOUT IT BEFORE AND HOW I WAS STILL ANGRY AND WHY I WAS STILL ANGRY SHE BRUSHED IT OFF AS SOMETHING THAT SHE ALREADY MOVED PASSED AND SHE THOUGHT I WOULD TOO BUT YOU KNOW FUCKING WHAT I HAVEN’T

Since i’ve already talked to her about it and she’s “moved past it”, I will rant on my own about how i am still shaking with anger. This is mostly because I figured the general public (meaning those who actually read this long ass rant) might be a little more sympathetic than that who is dearest to me.

And you know what, I honestly don’t care if either person I’m talking about reads this because I want to be heard. I want this person to know what they have done to me.

Let me begin

Awhile back, someone decided it was their job as a friend to interfere in the interactions between this other very very dear wonderful person i care about. We shall refer to the interfering person as Bob and the dear person is Sheila. So, Bob and Sheila are best friends. I care about sheila in the most genuine and honest way possible. There isn’t a thing on this earth that i wouldn’t go out of my way to do for her. And I respect that Bob and Sheila are close friends, it’s something i willingly put up with.

Now, over the past year, Sheila and I have had a lot of bumps in the road. Bumps that we have managed to completely overcome over a long period of time. Getting over the issues was hard and arduous, but we did it because we had the will to keep what we have between us. There came a point when I told Sheila everything about everything. Such as, things that embarrass me to no end, things that have disappointed me, made me sad, things that have been spoiled, things i miss with her, things i want from her, and things i want with her. I told her everything. I asked her paranoid little questions that had eaten at me for nights and nights on end, and she answered them all. Everything was pristine and perfect. Things were as great as they could possibly be.

Unfortunately, Bob had to interfere. Bob decided it was a good idea to fix a problem that he thought Sheila and I had. Now, let me just reiterate once again that everything wasokay between Sheila and I

we were perfectly ok

nothing wAS WRONG

So, Bob decides to chat with Sheila about how she might be doing something that might hurt me.

Please understand before I continue that I understand that Bob’s intentions were to make sure that I don’t get hurt and that everything between Sheila and I are okay. Bob just wanted Sheila and I to be happy. I know this.

But, instead of helping, Bob made me feel as disgusting as one could possibly feel about themselves. One night, I was casually talking to Sheila when I brought up this photo she sent me that I had kept. This photo was charming and lovely and had made me openly happy whenever I saw it. She was then confused as to why I was so enthused about it and I jokingly explained it’s contents. Horrified, she told me to delete the images. She wouldn’t tell me why until I had pressed her, I told her to tell me why she was reacting so harshly to the whole situation. She then told me that it was because some people had told her that she might be leading me on (which I still fucking laugh at by the by). She told me that she didn’t want me getting the wrong impression.

I asked her why on earth she would think that, never would i have ever thought that. I’ve made it clear more than twice in the past that if i am ever confused by her actions that i would straight-up ask her. I don’t fuck around with that kind of stuff, I make fucking sure why you say or do something.

She told me Bob had talked to her about that. She told me after I explained myself about the photos that she realized she was completely wrong and that she knew i would never get that impression- that i would never think she is coming on to me.

But I was too shaken up.

The very idea that people think this made me so uncomfortable and disgusted. I hated those photos then, i told her that they made me feel disgusting and that I had even kept them. That i had looked at them and smiled. That I had ever thought about her in happy ways. That i had ever thought of her in anyway so remotely similar to that. I felt so gross, i wanted to just curl up and not exist. I cried, my body shook uncontrollably, i felt like puking, i felt like just not even being alive or even there. It was the concept of having the thoughts and things that make you the happiest torn away from you all at once. It felt as though someone had given me the most beautiful thing in existence, and then the whole world just turned on me. As though, in that moment, I was the worst for loving it so dearly. As though everyone had just stripped off my clothes just to point, laugh, and make me feel as uncomfortable as possible. I just wanted it to end all in that moment. I didn’t want to know her anymore, i didn’t want to know my friends, i didn’t want to be alive. I felt horrible for ever being happy.

And it all happened because Bob thought it would be a good idea to help a problem that was neverthere and to plant a little thought- a little seedling in Sheila’s head.

Bob didn’t help. Bob should have (and excuse my language) stayed the fuck out of our buisness. I don’t mean to sound so cruel, but when something so emotionally impacting happens that you don’t even want to live anymore happens, something needs to be fucking said. No matter how harsh, and no matter how painful.

I have moved passed this incident for the most part, but i am forever regretful of Bob. I am forever angry at him.I know he was trying to help, but what he did literally physically harmed me. I had trouble eating for weeks. I’ve been badly underweight for awhile, i felt like puking every time i thought about it. I had to put up with being near Bob until the end. I had to put up with being around him. And every second that I was around him, it all came back. All of my anger and all of my hatred, all of the disgust in myself, everything he had caused. The thought still makes me sick. But that’s exactly why I am saying something. Because Bob is Sheila’s best friend, it is impossible to avoid him since Sheila is so deeply imbedded in my heart and my life.

I know that my thoughts were okay, at least, I have the hope and trust that they were. I’d like to think that I can think happy thoughts without having someone tell me that i shouldn’t. I’d like to think those things without feeling perverse, gross, or disgusting. I know Sheila has said she’s okay about it all and that she’s past it. She helped me through it when I was so shaken up over the whole thing, I am forever grateful for that too. But I really wish that she would have done as I asked and that she would have told Bob about how horrible he made me feel. I wish she would have told him (in a nicer way) to butt out of it.

But she didn’t.

And I can bet you a dollar to a dime that Bob still doesn’t know what he has done to me.

But it’s okay, after that i made it a point to completely push Bob out of my life. Yes, I’m reminded of him when ever I see everything that has been spoiled for mean- and yes, it is impossible form me to escape from him forever. But I’m okay. I can be okay. So long as I know that loving someone is okay. That it’s okay that I think things, that’s it’s okay for me to be happy. And like i said, i have reasons to be happy. There are things on my other blog to remind me about why i should be happy. And for Sheila, i will be. It is the least I can do. It’s something i want to do.

I’m just so sad and angry about how all of it turned about because someone interfered.

I guess the last and final point of my rant is that if the problem does not involve you, don’t fucking try to help. If you don’t know shit about what’s ACTUALLY going on between two people, don’t fucking try to help. If there’s no problem in the first place, don’t fucking try to help. If no one comes to you asking for help, then don’t fucking help. DON’T FUCKING HELP AT ALL OKAY

THERE IS NOTHING TO BE HELPED IF THERE IS NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

IF I SEEM DISTANT AROUND SHEILA THEN MOST LIKELY IT IS BECAUSE BOB IS THERE AND I FEEL AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK.

END OF RANT, I AM DONE.

And I do feel better.

if someone does wind up reading this entire thing, then i applaud you. Good job, you did it, you read a rant and felt an ounce of care for someone like me. Thank you and good day.

Another commission for Tez-taylor on FA

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 04:32:52 -0400

Another commission for Tez-taylor on FA

Does anyone remember that time I drew a Kakashi bookmark for...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 04:05:00 -0400

Does anyone remember that time I drew a Kakashi bookmark for turtle?

Neither do I

Bffaeaeaeae

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 20:05:31 -0400

Bffaeaeaeae

It’s swimming season

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 01:45:20 -0400

It’s swimming season

I just got the sephiroth, cloud, and two ezio costumes for my LBP games. I wanted nathan and the...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 02:41:57 -0400

I just got the sephiroth, cloud, and two ezio costumes for my LBP games. I wanted nathan and the whole bioshock infinite set, but they must wait

for another day

whenever you guys like drawings of my ocs i actually get really happy ok

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 01:07:22 -0400

whenever you guys like drawings of my ocs i actually get really happy ok

before and after

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 01:04:37 -0400

before and after

Rayne

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 02:39:44 -0400

Rayne

Photo

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 02:37:26 -0400

Grigori

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 02:35:15 -0400

Grigori

Photo

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 02:30:10 -0400

You have a fantastic style!

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 00:51:49 -0400

wow, i’m pretty sure this is a really late reply

but thank you

Guess who’s back

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 00:10:35 -0400

Guess who’s back

Made it to Illinois safe btw. We don’t have a place to live yet, but hey, we’re here. The scanner is...

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 19:31:00 -0400

Made it to Illinois safe btw. We don’t have a place to live yet, but hey, we’re here. The scanner is easily accessible, so i’ll post some art too.

Btw, got animal crossing yesterday. If i know you and you play it, hit me up with your friend code OuO

UPDATE: THIS PHOTO DOES THE SIZE OF THE PIZZA NO JUSTICE, IT IS...

Fri, 31 May 2013 00:49:47 -0400

UPDATE: THIS PHOTO DOES THE SIZE OF THE PIZZA NO JUSTICE, IT IS A MEDIUM AND IT IS HUGE AND DELICIOUS

I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN IN NEW YORK CITY FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF AND I AM JUST PERTURBED THIS PLACE IS...

Fri, 31 May 2013 00:09:00 -0400

I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN IN NEW YORK CITY FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF AND I AM JUST PERTURBED

THIS PLACE IS INCREDIBLY INSANE AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH
LIKE I WAS JUST FUCKING THRUST INTO THIS MESS
YES

AND I ORDERED PIZZA AND IT WAS THE MOST WONDERFULLY STRESSFUL THING I’VE EVER DONE. LIKE, YOU HAD TO BE ON YOUR TOES OR THEY WILL FUCKING HANG UP ON YOU. AND I ORDERED THAT PIZZA LIKE I FUCKING OWNED IT. AND THE GUY IN OUR LOBBY IS PRETTY COOL. AND THE GUY THAT DROVE US WAS CRAZY. I’VE SEEN TWO LIMOS, WE’VE ALMOST HIT AT LEAST 10 CARS, WE ALSO WENT 80 ON A TURNOFF AND HOLY SHIT. LANES DO NOT EXIST IN THIS CITY AND CARS AREN’T AFRAID TO NEARLY HIT PEOPLE AND PEOPLE AREN’T AFRAID TO NEARLY GET HIT BY CARS. AND I’M GOING TO TRY THE PIZZA SOON OK

rereading kaze hikaru because i got so far and never finished it ah, i miss and love it so much...

Sat, 25 May 2013 22:45:28 -0400

rereading kaze hikaru because i got so far and never finished it

ah, i miss and love it so much (♡′ᴗ‵♡)

Another commission of a character named Taylor OuO

Thu, 23 May 2013 23:51:03 -0400

Another commission of a character named Taylor OuO

more pokemon commissions UuU

Thu, 23 May 2013 23:43:08 -0400

more pokemon commissions UuU