I have a lot of affection to give, I just need your permission to give it.
Even though I kinda do have your permission, there still some things I wish I could- I dunno- describe in a way that words can’t? I love you. I really, honestly do. You know this. You’ve told me that it’s okay for me to hug you lovingly, and you’ve told me that you are not uncomfortable with my actions. And I’ve told you how unsure I am, about all of it. I think it’s a matter of; how far can I go?
I’ve distanced myself, multiple times, out of the fear of your rejection of my touch. You’ve reassured me that you don’t mind. You told me once that, because of me, you hug more people. I laugh when people are startled by your random affectionate moments. I’m used to them because every hug I give, I feel you hugging tightly back. I could spend hours speaking, wordlessly, of how you make me feel, but- how can I? How can I when I know that this requires affection that I can’t give you, that I’m sure I can’t give you. At least, I think I can’t give you. Because it’s not something you want, right?
Would it be too much to ask if we can snuggle while we watch a movie? Or hold hands for longer than we do? Am I asking for too much if I’d like to take a nap next to you? How about if I kiss your head when I’m happy? Or massage the back of your neck when you’re stressed? Or kiss my way from your hand and up your arm just to see you squirm awkwardly? I’ve never said ‘I love you’ in person, but if I did, could I whisper it in your ear and kiss your cheek afterwards? Am I asking for too much?
I’m content with what I have right now, for it is what I dreamed of before. But I have new dreams now, ones where you and I share the warmth and comfort of one another. I know you so well. You know me so well. So why is it that I cannot determine how okay you are with this? And why can you not see my struggles?